99 Jokes Of All Time That’ll Bust Your Gut Laughing

Jokes are among the simplest tools for making someone laugh, and laughter is a universal language. Nothing beats a good joke, and whether you’re looking for something to tell at your colleague’s birthday party or just need a pick-me up, these should charm. Check out these gems of the past that are some of the best jokes ever, ripe for sharing with anyone in your life.

Classic One-Liners

1. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
2. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
3. I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
4. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
5. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

Dad Best Joke Of All Time

6. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
7. I would tell you a joke about an elevator but it’s an uplifting experience.
8. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
9. I’m reading a book on the history of glue. I just can’t seem to put it down.
10. What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!

Puns

11. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
12. I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats.
13. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
14. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
15. I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

Knock-Knock Jokes

16. Knock knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it’s cold out here!
17. Knock knock. Who’s there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you!
18. Knock knock. Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? Don’t cry, it’s just a joke!
19. Knock knock. Who’s there? Cow says. Cow says who? No, cow says moooo!
20. Knock knock. Who’s there? Tank. Tank who? You’re welcome!

Technology’s Best Joke Ever

21. Why was the cell phone wearing glasses? Because it lost its contacts.
22. How does a computer get drunk? It takes screenshots.
23. Why did the computer go to therapy? It had too many unresolved issues.
24. Why don’t programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.
25. What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.

The Best Jokes of The Animal Kingdom

26. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
27. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
28. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
29. Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they are shellfish.
30. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Word Play Best Jokes In The World

31. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
32. I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
33. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
34. People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
35. I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a crap in days.

Light Bulb Jokes

36. How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that’s a hardware problem.
37. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
38. How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.
39. How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
40. How many procrastinators does it take to change a light bulb? One, but they’ll do it later.

Miscellaneous Jokes

41. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
42. My math teacher called me average. How mean!
43. Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.
44. Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
45. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Doctor Jokes

46. Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.” Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!” Doctor: “Nine.”
47. Doctor: “You’re overweight.” Patient: “I think I want a second opinion.” Doctor: “You’re also ugly.”
48. Why did the doctor carry a red pen? In case he needed to draw blood.
49. Doctor: “This medicine is for insomnia, this one is for nervous breakdown, and take these for depression.” Patient: “Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any medicine for my actual illness?”
50. Doctor: “You’ll need to stop doing everything that hurts.” Patient: “But I breathe.”

Food Jokes

51. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
52. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
53. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
54. I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.
55. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

Office Jokes

56. My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.
57. Why don’t we ever tell secrets on the farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
58. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
59. I asked the corporate ladder if it was worth the climb, and it said, “I’m inclined to say yes.”
60. I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise. He asked which companies, and I said, “Gas, electric, and cable.”

School Jokes

61. Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
62. Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
63. What’s the best place to grow flowers in school? In kindergarden.
64. Teacher: “Name two pronouns.” Student: “Who, me?”
65. Why did the girl bring a ladder to school? Because she wanted to go to high school.

Sports Jokes

66. Why do basketball players love donuts? Because they can dunk them!
67. Why was the baseball team always in trouble? They kept getting caught stealing bases.
68. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
69. What’s a boxer’s favorite part of a joke? The punch line.
70. Why do cyclists make terrible comedians? They’re too tired.

Holiday Jokes

71. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
72. Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? It had 24 carrots.
73. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
74. Why do mummies like Christmas so much? Because of all the wrapping.
75. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

Random Fun

76. I’m not indecisive unless you want me to be.
77. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
78. I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.
79. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet – I don’t know Y.
80. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

Relationship Jokes

81. My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I got drunk.
82. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
83. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
84. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
85. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and spade.

Science

86. Why can’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
87. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
88. Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.
89. A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
90. Oxygen and potassium went on a date. It went OK.

History Jokes

91. Why did the Roman Empire cut pizza into round pieces? Because Julius Caesar.
92. I asked my history teacher if he had any old Roman coins I could have. He said, “No, I centurion.”
93. History is written by the victors. That’s why it’s full of spelling errors.
94. I told my friend that I thought the battle of Hastings was fought with sticks and stones. He said, “That’s not right.” I replied, “No, but it’s Norman conquest.”
95. Why was the belt arrested? For holding up a pair of pants!

Music

96. Why did the musician get locked out of his own gig? He had the wrong key.
97. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.
98. Why did the music teacher go to jail? Because she got caught with too many notes.
99. What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-na!

Final Thoughts

Humor is a great way to help everyone relax and bond. It runs the gamut from short little one-liners to full-on, knock-knock style jokes, clever puns, cringe-worthy dad jokes, and everything in between. The most important thing is to remember your proper jokes, one that makes you laugh, and not hesitate to share some of them or even create a new one. Crafted neat for those rough days because… laughter is the best medicine, as they say. We hope these short jokes will keep you smiling and of course will keep you joking!

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